I am Home Again
by woochann
Summary: The lives of two broken people, lost and far from the fields of expertise: how they must band together to find themselves again. For a man's greatest enemy: is himself. It is in that moment of weakness when the true character of a man is to be determined.
1. 001

**However Far Away**|chapter 001;  
by_ woochann_  
A Okita/Chizuru fanfiction. This story may seem to be pretty OOC (at least for Okita), but I wanted to really asses what it would be like to really not be able to go anywhere or to be able to do anything you were actually good at. This story may be a bit darker than my others may, because I have the idea that Chizuru has become determined to be by Okita even if he was to pull her to her doom. This story may not make sense too much with the plot or idea of the Shinsengumi or in-fact, Hakuouki itself, but I ask that you give this fanfiction a chance. Okita may be a bit more serious now, and less jubilant and joking, but it has its place in future chapters.

This fanfiction is to be about the lives of two broken people, lost and far from the fields of expertise, and how they must band together to find themselves again. For a man's greatest enemy: is himself.

It is in that moment of weakness when the true character of a man is to be determined.  
This story is dedicated to that.

…

Some tea sloshed out of the cup with a light patter onto the tray beneath it.

Okita watched her pour the tea with perfection regardless of the small spill. It was another day of sitting here wasting his days away in this room. By some miracle, he was recovering. It would be a slow and tedious process, he was told, but he was recovering nonetheless. When this news was told to him, Chizuru was in the room, doing the same task she was doing now. He smiled slightly when he heard her drop the cup she was holding. She was more willing to celebrate than he was. Certainly, he should have been filled with joy at such a time, but he did not have the heart to rejoice. He had been in this room for so long; any good news was just as grave as the bad. This strong sense of confinement, of listlessness caused his eyes to become so use to the dark that he rarely had any use for the light. He feared if he stayed in this room any longer: he would lose the will to even want to escape.

However, she gave him a small taste of the outside. Of the freedom, he longed for. His spirits always would rise when she began to tell him minuscule things; such as how many leaves she had to sweep. As well as how many times she had to reprimand Heisuke and Shinpachi. However, that was some months ago. Now the Shinsengumi was all but dead unfortunately, some in the literal sense. It seemed almost ironic, if he used the word correctly, that when he was told he was to recover, the Shinsengumi was slowly dying. It came as no surprise that when Saito and Hijikata came to inform him of political and work related news, that he was told it might be time to move on. He laughed cynically at that. What was he suppose to do then? He had no gifts in other trades; he was no skilled crafter, or delicate sewer. He did not write with the eloquence to make a trade out of it, and did not find it appealing to take up employment as a shopkeeper, or work for someone else. Regardless of his station, he could command his own troops, and decide his own course of action. If he were to give this up, what then would he do? It came as no surprise, yes, but it did not make the news any more bearable.

In a lesser sense, he wondered if they had told Chizuru as well that come fall he was to be leaving for a different field of work. He hoped, one where his swordsmanship was still to be needed. As he watched her pour his tea and give him his breakfast, something she decided she would do from now on, he knew that she had already known from the start. She was smarter than people gave her credit for and was not blind to the secret looks each Shinsengumi member gave the other; looks that said, 'what will become of us?', 'who will stay to lead us?' Hijikata was adamant about letting Chizuru choose where she wished to go. She would be given the option to stay with what was left of the Shinsengumi that Saito and Hijikata would lead, or find use somewhere else. Okita knew she would choose to stay. She always did; he knew her well enough that she always would. It was strange to Okita to wonder about his future when before he was told he would have no future.

"Okita you must eat so your food does not get cold." Chizuru smiled at him and watched him take his chopsticks to start his meal. He laughed to himself when a sudden thought that he would no longer have Chizuru's tea bothered him. He felt like an old man, dependent on others. He furrowed his brows at this; he was to be dependent on no man. Swordsmen may be a dying breed, but he was going to consider himself one until the day he died. His eyebrows sank deeper into a 'v'. It seemed strange that Hijikata and Saito felt it was time for him to depart from the Shinsengumi. Should he not make that decision himself?

'_We do not want to see your health deteriorate by suddenly going back to vigorous activity. You may be recovering, but it will be a long time before you may wield the sword efficiently.'_

He did not expect that blow. He had been dismissed without actually being dismissed; it was a low blow indeed. However, he would do the same if he were placed in the same position. There was to be no compassion in battle, and no need for people who could not efficiently and effortlessly eliminate the foes of the Shinsengumi. There was to be no salvation for Okita in this venture. His days as a Shinsengumi member were over.

The sudden feeling of warmth caused him to look up to see Chizuru smiling at him. "Okita looked like he was getting cold." He felt ashamed. Ashamed that he enjoyed taking Chizuru's time away from the other members, and how she reacted to his cruel jokes. He was ashamed that in this moment; the simple act of warming him with a blanket was enough to put his mind at ease. Where had the man with steadfast determination, and hardened resolve go? He felt weak, and it disgusted him. He squeezed the teacup in his hand so tight that it broke. He did not flinch when the cup tore into his flesh, or when Chizuru got up in a panic to clean up the mess and his hand, he surmised. Maybe it was time he left this place. This place was becoming more and more like a cage to Okita than open land. He briefly heard the faint sound of Chizuru slamming open the door to grab some bandages. The sun began to pour into his room and his blank face turned into a face of restlessness. He was sick of looking at the sun from the inside of a room. He was sick of only getting to go outside every so often; when he was "well" enough. He hated to think it, but he was sick of seeing the same people's faces repeatedly; telling him things, he already knew.

Okita was no pet; he was no bird to be locked away and left to beat its wings on a cage until it was broken and sore. He was a wolf, who needed the thrill of the hunt, the ecstasy of the kill, and the fresh air that made him glad he was not locked to the chains of society. As Chizuru ran back in, it scared him that when he looked at her face: he saw the same thing reflected back at him through large brown eyes. She had known it from the start. She had known that this confinement would be his downfall, and it scared him that he saw her fear. This fear was not one of whimpering in the face of danger, it was the fear that he would lose himself down the very road he diligently trotted on. He knew then that she had no thoughts of staying. He opened his palm to her when she persisted in caring for him.

She had the eyes of a woman who was going to go with him; even if it meant uncertainty. That look: had become the fear Okita had hoped she would not give to him, because he knew she was too stubborn to see she had become so entangled with him that she had no means of escape. She was digging her own grave, and placing her faith in a man who couldn't stand to look at what he had become. Yet, as he blankly watched her wrap the last bandages around his hand, he couldn't stop himself from pleading with her to stay here. He removed his hand and to finish it himself. Anyone would have taken that to be a sign he would do it himself, but to two broken people it was a sign that he did not want her to fix his problems, or worry over him.

No matter how much he wished it would not come: it did.

She took his hand back; determined to finish what she had started.

-  
Your comments are appreciated, and I hope that you will trust me on this story. I am determined to give Okita/Chizuru fans my take on a broken Okita, and a wandering Chizuru who does not know where to go.

_woochann_


	2. 002

**I am Home Again**|chapter 002;  
by _woochann_  
Here is the second chapter to this story. Yes, in one day too! I felt inspired. Chapter three may be a bit in coming due to starting school again tomorrow, but I hope you enjoy this anyways.

…

"What will you do, Chizuru?"

If Chizuru had thought Hijikata was pleading for her to stay here where he knew she would be safe. However, Chizuru knew that Hijikata would not plead, nor beg for anything. She did crease her eyes at how much she was going to hurt him. It seemed everyone thought she was going to stay, and a few months ago: she readily would have. The time, however, to depend on these people was long gone. Her father was dead, her brother was dead; she was just so spent. She was tired of cooking for so many people, but she hated when there was one less person to cook for, because it meant he would never come to sit at her table again. Each member had a special place in her heart, regardless if she knew them or not. She felt so lost. She felt abandoned from everyone, at a distance.

When did she start to feel that she must leave to find peace? She could not remember. This wandering listlessness was enough to make her sick. She was not herself mentally. Where was her reserve, her optimistic attitude? Finally, it had worn on her. The deaths of so many she loved the suffering of people she would never meet. The waves of depression were finally lapping at her feet, and it killed her to see them so torn. She could barely look at Hijikata without breaking down. His eyes…they lacked what they once had. She had to get away. This was just too much. She was so empathetic that even if she were to never feel loss again she would feel it because those around her would still feel that sting.

_That lonely emptiness. _

They all looked at her with pity, and with such sadness she could only feel the pressure to be happy, when she wanted to cry. She felt so selfish for keeping her true feelings bottled up but how could she burden people who already carried the world? Surely if she gave to them her woes, they would break.

Then she began to feel it. The air of change. She felt true happiness when she heard Okita's recovery; no matter how small it may be. He was recovering! There was hoping still to be tasted! She would feel this joy for Okita even when she knew he could not feel it at this moment. She came to realize that day that she cherished Okita's happiness more than others did; his deep eyes, the green that glistened when it set with the sun and rose with the morn. She came to appreciate his hardships. She could not mistake this feeling of long admiration. She admired this man to be so steadfast. To take the burden of being sick, and still having the heart to continue with the hope he would wield his sword again. However, that was months gone by. Since then she had seen a broken man, breaking even faster than she wanted to see. Finally, his reserve and will were tarnished. She only saw a tattered man and it broke her heart.

When she was told that Okita would be leaving the Shinsengumi to find other work: it came as no shock to her. It did still sting. They never knew how the story of the Shinsengumi would end, but certainly, this was the last thing they expected. So many deaths had made everything done unexpected, to Chizuru's point of view. They knew death could or would take them but does that thought prepare you for it? Chizuru thought it did for her, but always when you felt sure of yourself, that was when you were shaken. Chizuru turned her head at the thought; it was a moment of weakness to believe she would live with that happiness forever. Death, no matter what, shook you. It was never something that could be prepared for. Such young men, such young life: wasted.

To hear of his departure was a blow she did not know she would feel. To see the friendship of these men be tested so was enough to make anyone weep. Though this was sad, it would change nothing. It did not change that Okita was leaving anyways. She knew it was because Hijikata and Saito had most likely told Okita that even with his recovery; it would not be enough to come back full-time. She knew that Okita knew this. She always seemed to know. When he had cut his hand a month ago, it was then she knew that he knew.

She feared he would tear himself apart. Always he berated himself for things she could never count. He kept his pain to himself. He suffered. She suffered. They both had become broken pieces that were unsure if they could be mended. It was on that day that she knew what she must do. Birds of a feather…it seemed they did always flock together. She was bound to this man like the bandages she bound on his hand. She did not remember when it had started, but they had become entangled in the other.

She knew when he looked at her what she was going to do. He tried to stop it, but she could not find the knot that kept them tied and so, she was determined to finish what she had started. What she had woven, she would continue to weave until it was completed. If only for him: she would do this. She could not place this feeling of fulfillment with him. She could never understand when she started to realize he came to be an important fixture in her heart, but he was there. She would mend his brokenness because he deserved that much. She hoped that by going with him to wherever he was bound to, she could bring to him a little of what once was.

How Hijikata must have suffered, she thought when she looked at him, waiting for me to decide. They knew, though, what she would say the moment she did not immediately respond. She was trying to find the words to tell them: she would not stay. That in itself was enough for them to let her take as much time as she needed.

Hijikata closed his eyes when he saw her turn her head. He was trying to make her stay. He was trying to trap her here, but his bird was being battered by these cage bars. He felt selfish, and he felt dirty. This was not something she should regret, or should suffer. She should be able to make her own decisions without worrying if she would hurt them in the process. This was not a time for delicate fingers. This was not a time for selfish hands. It was time: that he finally let her fly. He turned his head to Okita who was asked to be present in this meeting. How the numbers of men here dwelt. He hoped to God that wherever Shinpachi and Sano were: they were safe. Okita was silent as always, but observant. He had lost a bit of the debonair he was known for. Hijikata bent his head in shame. He was sure somewhere down the line, this was his entire fault. His friends should not suffer him. He did not have the heart, though, to command them to do anything. This had to be their decision. He had nudged Okita to leave because he saw the dark looks he had in secret. He had seen how Okita was becoming a broken and bitter man for being kept in confinement for so long. It was starting to make him resent Hijikata. He knew this, but what could he do? The man was dying. When he was told he was going to make it, Hijikata took this chance to make sure Okita left this place. The Shinsengumi was no longer a place where Okita found his freedom.

He turned back to Chizuru when she made a small noise. They all looked at her. They knew what she was going to say, but she had to say it for them to really believe it. They all had a small sliver of hope: she would stay with the Shinsengumi.

This was not to be so.

"I have decided to leave the Shinsengumi along with Okita. I feel it is my duty to keep him taken care of until he has fully recovered."

Okita shut his eyes tightly, and thinned his lips. This too, was a low blow. He knew, though, that she would do this. She always did what he wished she would not. In the end, she always was the one to suffer. Suffer them, suffer pain, suffer hurt, and suffer the deaths of each Shinsengumi member. She took too many things that were not her fault, upon herself. He could not help but inwardly grin at how stubborn she was. No matter how much she had matured, or how much she was worn for wear: she still had that stubbornness. The grit he loved; her sheer will to survive. She was personal that when he first met her that year ago, he could not hate this woman.

He opened his eyes and pulled his normal cat like grin, and dark eyes, "You know Chizuru, you do not have to look after me. I take this as you telling me that I cannot take care of myself. That hurts me."

She jumped at his voice and flustered. He was glad she still hated it when he said things like this. How easily she became distraught.

For a moment, each person in the room felt what it was like to be back a year ago. The shadows from the past lingered. Never would they leave, but it was enough to make each person long for days gone. Hijikata looked at Chizuru and nodded curtly, "If you are steadfast in this decision: then I will not sway you otherwise." He then turned to Okita, "Okita, your official dismissal of the Shinsengumi has been noted. If you step on these grounds without proper warrant, you will be slain on sight. A man of dismissal does not come back to the masters to be fed once it has strayed from them. However, you leave on good terms; this we will not forget. Do not think that you are not welcome to call upon us if ever you need our assistance. You sword on the field of battle will never be replaced." He rose and slid open the door. This would be the last time he saw them. This was finally goodbye. He looked to the sky; it was finally time to set them free. He hoped they soared. He hoped Okita would recover completely and not feel the fear of dying too soon. He sent his hope that Chizuru took care of Okita for a long time to come. She had become the pillar of them all, but she was needed to be a pillar more to Okita, than they were. He hoped these hopes reached them. They deserved these small well wishes. Though they would never be voiced, he knew they must feel it.

He turned his head slightly to the side, "Goodbye." It was just one word, but it held many things: departure, well wishes, sadness, hopefulness, loss, and loneliness. Saito rose as well and nodded to both. He was never one for goodbyes. He did not grieve as much as the others because Saito accepted death, he accepted the pain, but fueled it through his sword. He could do what they could not. For that, they thanked him quietly. He was the one person who could take the suffering off someone and make use of it, instead of just let it fester inside himself. He said nothing, but everything all at the same time. He would miss them, goodbyes were never easy; however, he would move on with diligence.

It was here where Chizuru stood amazed again, at how each man held his head high. She could not stop it. She broke down. They looked at her quickly, at a loss at what to do. How did you react when someone suddenly started weeping?

Okita closed his eyes and smiled a bit. Finally, she was letting it go. This would be the last time they saw Saito and Hijikata, this Okita could feel deep in his bones. He worried that Chizuru was going to do something she regretted. This, however, made him realize this had become her everything. He would have been more worried if she had not shown any sign of sadness. He laughed a little, Chizuru really was pitiful. She was such an open book, and yet she was even more complicated than any book that hid its pages from everyone. He rose and sat beside her.

"Come now Chizuru, you're weeping so loud everyone will think you're dying at lack of oxygen to your lungs." She stopped weeping, though a few tears stole themselves from her eyes. She looked at a distressed Hijikata and ruffled Saito, "I will miss Saito and Hijikata so much. You will be sure to eat well, and stay safe?"

Hijikata smiled briefly, "Yes Chizuru, we promise to eat well and stay safe."

She peered at them with the biggest smile she could muster. They remembered this smile; the one that kept them sane. Okita looked healthy by her side, Hijikata noted. Yes, even with his doubts, they would be fine. This put his mind a little at ease. This moment would be etched in each of their minds.

This was to be the last time they would ever see each other again.  
Each person could feel the loss, but for just a moment: they basked in one another's company.

For a moment, the sadness, the pain, the depression of departure: was gone. It would be a long time coming when they would feel this peace again, but did they not deserve time to smile and not feel the loneliness?

-  
Done. I actually felt sad writing this chapter. I never like writing goodbyes, especially ones when they will not come back together again. I hope I made them in character. If not, I will try better next time to not make them so OOC.

_woochann_


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